DON'T CARE WORDS

i sometimes say things

mean things

scathing brillo pad words

don't care words.

i have learned to stop accepting the consequences.

if you don't care, you can't be hurt, you can't be embarrassed.

above all else, there is no shame in the morning twilight

that brand new day: quiet, precious, bearing scars from a time it never knew.

there is no disgrace weighing your eyelids down at the moment when you wake up barely breathing. lead lungs pumping.

blood turns lava hot.

so much shame.

aged eighteen

nineteen

twenty

twenty one

twenty two

twenty three.

time to forgive.
forget.

time to be just selfish enough to watch yourself hurt someone else, cross a boundary, fuck things up.

cracked little teeth, bleeding gums, dried up hearts, bruised vitals.

so much pain that you'll never feel.

you learn to be the demon that your mother, in her eleventh hour before your birth felt, terrified, by herself, worried about creating.

you

feel nothing.