THOUGHTS IN WINTER, ABOUT OTHER SEASONS

ever since the grass turned brown,

each day has gotten more 

and more cold.  I walk with you

boots scuffing on the pavement and the swish of

your heavy parka. Thick glass eyes

stare back at me

and I can see the start of an infection,

a thin bloody line running straight from the tear duct.

Nobody is sweet anymore.

No body is sweet anymore.

There was only one person who would wake up in the middle of the night and kiss my back when they thought I was sleeping

and it's not you 

sticky treacle running from your lips.

THERE IS GOLD IN MY MOUTH

i would like to come home.

and lay you down

on that big sunny bed

and kiss tiny parts of your body, that you can't see.

with my soft warm mouth

that has been so hungry for you,

and mark the insides of your strong legs

with

sharp little bites

that will definitely leave marks.

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE MY HEART WENT, POTENTIALLY IT FELL DOWN TO MY FEET AND POTENTIALLY IT WENT SCREAMING OUT THE WINDOW

BUT WE HAVE A CAT!!!!!
i think in my mind as i watch you climb the ladder.
you're leaning away from me organizing
CD's to take with you.

BUT WE HAVE RINGS!!!!!
i think in my mind as i watch you change your jacket.
you're looking in the mirror and pushing the
hair out of your eyes.

BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!!!
I think in my mind as i watch you walk out the door.
you're heading downstairs ready
to get on your bike.

BUT I AM CRUMBLING INSIDE!!!!!!
I think in my mind as i watch you put on your shoes.
you're about to leave the house
and lock the door.

I BREATHE OUT THREE TIMES

once for all the thoughts.
once for all the feelings.
once for all the actions.
Goodbye.

I have to fill those pieces of heart that you have. they are yours now
they will graft onto your own
and start to beat your
sound
as you grow and change and release all memories
except those microscopic
sensations that none of us can recognize but which have created us all

through a lifetime of deep breaths.

ONE DAY, YOU'LL GO BACK TO SANTA FE

She's all grown up, i think.

with a dog she sold to make money for food, once.

and i woke up in her bed with the skylight to the roof above.

a gaping white square of light.

and we were on separate sides.

maybe our ankles brushed

or knees touched.

polite, sleeping.

hey you,

the night is coming to an end.

it feels adult to tell someone you like them but

not to their back as you follow them down the stairs,

your bleached hair pushed back.

And that time i was doubling you on the bike and

your hands rubbed the skin on my back

and i felt

mostly like i was in the best moment of my time.

"you're everywhere" you said, as i plucked a long hair off your ankle.

the night before tomorrow

of every night, is the first one

and the next one

that i want to see you.

that i want to kiss you.

feel your tongue, and pull away to see your smile

and taste the lime in my mouth from your mexican beer.

hey you,

the night is coming to an end

but don't let us go, quite yet.

ANYDAY NOW

we're all just beating hearts, walking

crowing out

our plight in this morning.

taking revenge on on the disheveled nights of

past

past.

it would be good to be in the past.

after being present.

but we could never be the future, or could we

ever stop our selves

from beating one last time

as these organs

blowing, discordantly into tomorrow

sending thistles and long tangled weeds

to murk the view, bleeding ourselves

as we walk along.

little crypt keepers

picking off scabs- to reveal dazzling, burning scars of

multi layered, colored, expressed pain.

WHY does this hurt?

fold origami shapes, around my heart. lungs.

fluttered paper cuts along my abdomen.

draw blood from places

not yet felt.

i remember your stone face

shards of glass

mixed into the

cement of your skin- so every time you reached inside of yourself,

you got ripped apart.

it's like how, little kids

jump into pools

jack-knife

without worry.

or how,

i can lay in

darkness, for hours

upon hours.